Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not...

I can't stop thinking about it, it seems to always take over my mind. How someone could be excited about that. There are so many things that could happen to you. I can't believe you would put urself in that situation. I can't think about you dying, i can't think about you doing all thoughs horrible things. It hurts to think that you would leave us like that, like we mean nothing to you. Don't you think of anyone else but yourself? I know your fighting for your country but a look at what you are fighting for. Corruption, lies and death... how can you be satified with that? How could you fight for that? risk your life for that... there so many questions i want to ask you, but i just can't because i can't let you see me cry. Didn't think this day would ever come... could there be a happy ending or will you just disappear? I never want to see that solider at my door telling me your gone it would be to much to take. You mean way to much to me, brother be safe and never let go of us... our family would be nothing without you.

i did learn something from my last relationship, i noticed we didn't know each other as well as i thought and we moved to fast. This is a problem that i seem to do everytime, i shouldn't think about those retrictions socialty puts on relationships and look what i need out of it. You can't truely know someone unless there willing to share that with you, and its hard to bare your soul like that. It takes time to get to know someone, and trust them with that information. With my past its hard to share, because im always afraid that people won't like what they see after i tell them. It puts me in that vulerable state that i don't like to be in, to be judged by someone you want to see the best of you not the worst.Right now im at the point where i dont want a relationship and want to focas on where i want to be in life. I need to take a look at myself and see if i like it mentally. And if i don't, in order to be happy i need to change what i do and relize what my heart is telling me.

Its always when you get excited about someone new comming into your life and you want it to work out, is when you get disappointed. You didn't really care about how they looked you just thought they were a good person. I guess being naive came into play in my case, thinking back on my past flings he was different. But I took that first instinct and played it on something it wasn't. He was different, in the way of trying a new "type" per say, but learning quickly its all the same. Your going to get hurt and you just have to deal it, you ask yourself why it didn't work what did i do wrong?

I know I'm not perfect, know one is but at least have the balls to let a girl know when its over don't just stop talking to her. Its been a couple of days now and long distance relationships are hard, guess its just to hard for him. Now we used to text or message each other everyday and we havent seen each other in 3 weeks because of me..its my last year of collage, having 40 hours of co-op each semester, 20 hours of community service to do and working I don't have much time to take a weekend off. I'm just tried of being let down and being tossed away like an object. We are all human beings, we all feel just because our gender is different doesn't mean were alien.

I thought at first it was because he thought I wasn't worth the trouble, but to be honest he never tried to get to know me. I felt used, I know I was in the wrong sometimes but hes in the wrong too. I'm hurt and I'm trying to forget about it right now because in my eyes it was just a mistake..because he is just boy....

over a year things can change a lot, im in my second year of college now and love it. although i started writing in this because of my eatting disorder but as i got older, it seemed to get easier. Now don't me wrong I still think about it and experience it once in while but just getting to know who i am, and what am capable of has boosted my confidence and self respect to a different level. Which helped me not focas so much of what i look like and more of what i can do to be the best at what i do.

I believe you go through these experiences for a reason, i will never be ashamed of my past, because i know it helped me to be the person i am today. Whether its embarassing or stupid it still happens to teach you a leason in life its just whether you turn it into a positive or a negative situation.

Its hard to come to any relazation, but it will aways change the rest of your life. As you grow up you notice self respect and what you put up with and what you don't. You either learn this through your own experiences when your young or you take longer to grow up. Sadly for some teenagers we are more mature than most and the others around you that aren't, and can pull you back into that materialistic world that you don't want to be in. Either through addictions, divorce, illness and many other things, you are forced to grow up in these situations and takes a lot of a lone time to get to no yourself and make sure you never lose it.

Its hard to live as any teenager, either finding yourself, and while doing that realize how many things you have done that are not true to yourself. I came to this amazing realization and I am glad i have before i got any older. I know who i am at this point to a certain extent, but i will keep learning about myself and others around me. All the things i have gone through i see as a gift..go through your life and see how many changes you have done.

death- many people on my dads side have died when I was really young. so I learned about death and what it represents to me. In this case the most recent is my grandpa(dying not dead), I am extremely close to him, and going to england laying with him in his chair while watching tv and him periodically telling me about his experiences in the war, it makes me realize he has lived his life and he is ready to go, even though i will miss him and it will hurt so much that i won't get to see him, i know he lived a happy life and going through the death of his first child, death of his friends, and many others close to him. I know that there are so many things that hurt and i will just have to find my strength and get through them.

adbandonment/trust: I haven't had any luck in the department of godparents. My god mother died when I was 3, so i really didn't no her. But i did get another god mother, her name was Anne, and i loved her so much. I looked up to her, and never doubted her. But she got divorced from my uncle and I never saw her again. You always question why you weren't good enough for people to stick around you, what the hell did you do wrong, why didn't they like you... its just like with friends, when i was young i would give and give in my friendships and I would always get burned or left behind. So now i have that sheild and i only do tell things to certain people that i know can handle it. I have 2 people that have that complete trust and thats my mom and my friend Lisa, because they no who exactly who i am..they don't just no the sheild and phases i have gone through that weren't me.

sickness: when your sick and told you could die and change it.. you look at the world in a total different veiw. As much as you try and try to change that, and you keep failing everytime you try. You feel so much disapointment and beat yourslef up every time you fail. You question your self worth, every moment.. with emotional sickness in this case an eatting disorder, I tried to make everything seem okay on the outside by trying to be beautiful on my appearence but never working on the thing that really needed it..inside. And after trying many times to fix my eatting disorder you need to consider your bodies needs and what you need mentaly.. and believe it takes a long time..-- but recently my dad got sick and he is still recovering, but it puts you on the other side of the fence and you see how much you hurt your loved ones when you were sick.

addiction: I have an addictive personality... I was addicted to drugs, smoking, achohol, and the attention i got when i was skinny and "suffering". Thats why you try to work on every aspect seperatly.... first was food--I was fat. I would eat when I wasn't hungry but when i felt a lone or different, so when i went on a diet i was without my security banket. So it shifted to drugs.. which gave me another escape. Then when I couldn't find a dealer or had no money- I shifted to my parents achohol cabinet, I would drink a lone in my room, with family or friends any chance i got to, i would do it--but of course you can't forget the eatting disorder- I loved getting the attention and everyone telling me i looked good, because i was losing weight. Then i realized if i had a "problem", i could get more attention. Then i got help... As much as i thought i could go through this alone, I needed that extra attention, for help. I'm not gunna lie i liked going to the doctors and getting attention, because i had something wrong with me, but as it moved on and i got better and better i didn't want to go and be away, it just made me feel more abnormal. So i saw a theorpist, which really helped me. She made me think of different things and learn more about myself and respect. Yes i am abnormal, different any way you want to put it... But everyone is, and I am not the only one that has felt that. Now i wouldn't say im not addicted to anything because I am, I started smoking again. So i need to work on that now...but one thing at a time.

Lying: I was a constant lier because i didn't want to seem like a loser. I would say i had a boyfriend and really i was alone. Yeah, I am not proud of it, but you learn from it. To tell the truth I have never had a frist actual boyfriend. I have had little flings, having sex with strangers. My first was a guys named fletcher, I was in the start of my sickness, and I wanted to grow up fast and i thought well adults have random sex. But i wish I didn't lose it to him, I wish i waited...for the right guy. I always slept with a guy named Mike while i was drunk and didn't use a condom so i had to go to shoppers drug mart and get the morning after pill with my friend steph.. I was so embarassed, when the guy at the counter was asking me questions about sex. I am just glad i had steph there and how many times she was there for..as many times i did lie to her to make me seem "cooler." But now i try not to lie i have been doing pretty well.. and it feels great to be myself.



I got this journal to get out what i didn't want to tell anyone..and now i have got out everything i need to. I am in recovery and i will always be.. but right now i have learned so much about myself. And don't really have this sheild up, to protect myslef from getting hurt. It happens and i need to experience it. I do now tell people how i really feel, so i don't need this anymore because i let it out and I am not ashamed of it.

I love you all, and hope all of you struggling will have a wonder life because you all deserve it because we are all beauitful! anyone who needs so help or anything-- e-mail me brooklin_chick@hotmail.com

Ok so last night was awsome, im doing this point form because i don't feel like writing a paragraph

Went to concert type this for charity with cousin

Meet to very cute boys named Josh and Andy

I got josh, hahah the hot one :P

Lead singer of band, blonde/ red hair and green eyes

I totally pass as 18 here :P.. drinking age

Got a little tipsy

Danced in the rain till midnight with the guys

and he left with my phone number

All in all an AWSOME night! And i get to come home on wednesday and not listen to my mom snore anymore.. teehhee my own bed, room and my Friends! want to see my friend i have presents hahaha

hmmm... im tired but can't sleep...my mom snores SO loud :P. Anyways nothing has really been happening mostly been spending some time with my grandpa which is the hole reason im here anyways. Were having a little get together with the family tomorrow, since its my mom's birthday. She still has a lot of jet leg, but she just needs to relax a bit. Its lovely I get to sit and hear my mom brag about my sister all night while i drink with my grandpa. Fun nights being compared to my sister all the time... oh well thats how it has always been anyways so why sould it change now.

On a happier note, my auntie pat is coming over and i love seeing her, she is a fun person. I also got some gifts for my friends, just small things there very cute, I hope they like them :S... I;m getting stuff for Steph, Lisa, Kim, Robyn and Amy. So its not that bad. I'm getting something for Lisa at the art gallery, kim i can get something at the candy store down the road and Steph I can get her something when i go to liverpool. I already got something for robyn and amy.

Its so pretty here the scenery is amazing. you wouldn't beleive it if you've never been here. I'm taking a lot of pictures, so maybe i can post them up. Anyways I am going to try and get some sleep, maybe poke my mom so she will stop snoring :P

good night..it is 1:44am here hehe

Ok so things have cleared up...
my dad is still sick but he had an opperation and he is doing MUCh better.. :)

hmm.. steve well you don't want to... all i have to say is never cry in front a girl you met 2 weeks ago.. :S

hmm... everything else is okay... but now i am off to england til the 17th... I don't leave til 5:30.. my flight is at 10..BAH

well that tis it... :)

I'm falling bak into my cycle. I need to get out of this, things are just out of my control and its stressing me out, to no end. I don't like that i can't control this....

My dad
My mom stressing out
School work
Steve
My sisters actions
My brother using
My grandpa
recovery

its to fucking much for me right now. summers suspose to be a fucking vacation, FUCK... all i want to do is recover in time to see my grandpa but this just keep going out of wack and out of my control.

GAH i need sleep, and my friends, to get these things off my mind.

Im a little stressed out right now. Well you all no that my father is sick. So he went in for tests yesturday, they did the usual.. Then today he was suspose to get this drain thing to help drain his kidnies. Well they did a biopsey before they did the procedure. They had to rush him to the emergency because his kidney's were on the way of shutting down completly. So now he is finally is in the operating room and getting the drain things. My mom is still there, I heard her message she left on the answering machine and she sounded horrible. I just wish I could be there with her to comfort her, wtf hasn't she gone through enough? Why does she fucking deserve this? This is fucked up... Im so pissed that they didn't find this sooner they could have, and they wouldn't have had to rush him to emergency. I've already been seeing him suffer for how long. What happens if this doesn't work, they still haven't figured out whats wrong with his glands or heart.

BAH..I did something stupid to, I binged. But I'm not going to again, it was just a little slip. I'm hoping I can move past this. And get through all of this crap before I see my grandpa at the end of July. Anyways I have had enough of talking about this, I'm going to bed.

I guess its time for me to do a big update

Things have been going okay i guess. Im in summer school so it keeps me busy. I seem to making new friends, but what can i say the old ones will always be better, good old people from elementary school.

My family:
They found out one of things that is wrong with my father, both of his kidney's are blocked. So they are putting in some form of drainage thing to help drain them. But they still haven't found out what else is wrong with him. They still can't explain the fluid around the heart or his swelled up glands by his neck. He has already lost 12 pounds most likly more by now. But once he gets his appaite back i am sure he will gain it back. I just hope he will me marginally better by the time me and my mom go to england because i no she will be worrying about him.

My brother I think needs sometime to figure out what he wants. After the whole steph ordeal, and his friends. I think he needs to get down to work and figure out what will make him happy. He was there for me when i needed him and now its my turn to return the favour.

My mom is under a lot of stress, which is totally understandable.. With my dad, worrying about my brother, me, my sister and the money issues we are having right now. I just think she needs to relax a bit. I was thinking of taking her out to get a manicure or something.

Next my sister, although i really haven't been talking to her. I am worried about her, she has lost a lot of weight. I haven't seen her eatting... and she always says how much her clothes don't fit. But the thing is if she can't admit to anything, I can't do anything. But w/e, I just find it stupid that she wouldn't come to the conclusion that i wouldn't notice, adding the fact that my mother is under a LOT of stress and I've elminated my problem, my father is being helped and my brother well.... he can work it out. She hasn't been getting a lot of attention lately, but thats what happens when you get older, things change.

ANYWAYS.. enough of family, as much as i love them

Love life?:
What can i say don't have much of one. I do keep getting hit on by this one guy in the auto shop beside where i work, he is cute but i dunno w/e happens happens. I dunno i haven't really been focasing much on it. I've just been getting down to work and spending time with friends. I still have a long life a head of me to find someone to love. I have a right to be picky!

eatting:
its been going well, I kind of lost track of where i am. Im actually fine with my body for once. Its kind of weird. Just doing it one day at a time, I'll get there in time.

Thats about it!
Hope everyone is doing well!

2 months tomorrow... thats crazy... i didn't think i could actually do it. wow....I hope i can reach my goal and be good till i go to england, because i don't want my grandpa dieing and remebering me from the last time he saw me as a sick thing that never smiles.....anyways nothing has really changed that much, the zoo was awsome!!! We had so much fun and now I think me and kim are planning on going to this all ages club in ritchman hill. It will be fun . I saw steph last weekend, i slept over at her house. Awwe and I saw my VERY cute baby cousin today. How adorable, i thnk asian babies are the cutest ever. She never cried, she didn't fuss, she was just a little angel!

anyways, summer school on wednesday. My mom said I should meet some guys there:P... . She said I would meet some hot older guys, since im advancing. I just laughed.

thats it..

6 weeks today...

Im a little stressed out today, I have a chem exam and English exam tomorrow. I had kim over and we studied for chem, but I am so tired. We studied from 5 to 9:30 and I have been craming for it, for 3 days now. BAH

Oh well, my dad is still sick. It kind of pisses me off because all they are doing is testing him and not finding anything. And yet he keeps getting worse? why don't they addmit him into the hospital, how are we suspose to no what might happen to him? Like what the hell, they don't do anything. And we are just suspose to sit here and watch him suffer. wtf...

Grr... so w/e. I almost b/ped yesturday. I was just stressed and needed to get rid of it. It was the closest I have ever come to relasping in the past 6 weeks. Glad i didn't though...but gezzz. I no ive been restricting a little, like i didn't notice til my dad pointed it out. Oh well right now i need to focas like crazy on exams..

A lovely 5 weeks yesturday... thought i should update.

Nothing is really happening, just a hole bunch of stress due to the end of the school year but I'm workin on it.

Dad still sick... still don't no what the hell is wrong with him..

Eatting is okay..still have to up my calories, grr its hard to eat that much. I saw my nurtrinalist yesturday and she still said i wasn't eatting enough...but then again I am pretty athletic so i have to keep the energy coming... still don't really no when I am hungry, they sadi I would get that back in about a year... I only no when I'm tried, bitchy, or weak...

Oh yes I got a new job at a Flower shop... all i can say is that flowers can hurt you! I have many little cuts on my hands

OHH!! I got red hot chili pepper tickets!! WoOt! theres 8 of us going... Matt M, Mike B, Chris, Jason, Chris M, Chris H, me and my brother...since Mars volta is there and I know is was dying to see them play.... so i am basically with a bunch of guys...

I also got sucked into a Jays game :S.. Mike was talken me into it... so w/e

Going to the zoo on 19th! Sweet shit there.. after exams...

Thats about it...I am feeling very normal, its a little weird..

So it has been 3 weeks and a day! I still need to up my calories, im only at 1600 and she said i need 2300, so i need to chomp down some food. Things are pretty much back to normal in my life, its pretty nice. I don't feel overwhemed, ugly, depressed... I dunno i just am totaly different now, my confidence is back. Also friends don't seem distant anymore, and damn i am so social now it scares me. :P

I went out for a bike ride and these prejudice little shits started saying "Ching chong ho" repeating it until i was out of sight. I hate it when people do that, do they not releize that i could make fun of them because there fucking white? You don't think Japanese people have suffered enough with the internment camps and what they went through after words? I like to see them try and rebuild there lives back up and being bullied because of something you can't do anything about. The most annoying thing was that this girl Katy thats on my bus, was there, and i heard talking one day that it wasn't right that people were making fun of this grade 9 for having cancer. Something someone can't help.... and they go around acting so racist and prejudice.. you don't think thats the same? URG! ANYWAYS I had to get my venting out, I hate it when people make comments like that because I'm Japanese and beleive me i heard them many times. I wish people would grow up.

Well I have a stress full couple of days

Tomorrow: Extra help for chemistry after school, then my theorpist appointment
Friday: Relay for life, where you stay over at the school for cancer (have to stay up all night)
Saturday: ON NO SLEEP... going to the cemtary and being with family
Sunday: Reading ISU book :S, and studying mad for chemistry
Monday: Doctors appointment at 2 pm, and hair appointment at 8:30
Tuesday: Another doctors appointment in the morning
Wednesday: A FINAL REST- most likely doing school work, hate this time of year
Thursday: Driving to montreal to see my brother graduate from officer training
Friday: Driving back in the morning (6 hours how fun)--then i have to work at 4:30
Saturday: hoping to go to the fair with steph, then Matt's surprise party at 6:30
Sunday: SLEEP or fair... or both

Its 2 weeks on tuesday that I have been eatting normally and not b/ping! YAY!!

The longest I have gone since my ed.... and it feels great!

I'm in a shitty mood. I went to see my doctor on Thursday and he increased my medication, which now i feel a little to medicated but he said it might take a while to get used to. He also gave me new medcation for my allergies, for some reason everyones allergies seem to worse this year. Anyways, so yesturday I was experenicing very bad chest pains and they seemed to last the hole night and, in that my mom let me stay home since i got no sleep. And so i had my day to relax for once and be ON MY OWN.. which i never get to do anymore, but I'm having a hard time eatting anything without some pain in my chest. But the doctor said it might happen, so just have to relax and wait it out.

My mom has a bad tooth ach, so i am just trying to make her feel a little better since no one else seems to be doing it. she had to come home from work because she felt like she was gunna through up on everyone in the store. She seemed to be able to eat dinner, and keep it down. So hopefully she will be feeling better tomorrow..My dad seems to be getting a little better he can actually mow the lawn now, without feeling like crap.. his mood seems to be up to. YAY! My mom said it is something with his kidnies, but i think he will be fine. But he has to take a lot of medication, man this hole family is on meds..well me, dad and dan. Dan failed a course at Ryerson, so he might have to come back from officer training. Which i know he doesn't want to do because he told me he was lokoing forward to it. It does get him back in shape, and gets him straight again(meaning off drugs). He was kind of depending on this to boost his mood. Just get with some friends, and get healthier because he does need it.. ever since aly dumped him (for no reason i might add) he was feeling kind of shitty, and going back into drugs... and plus if he has to come home he won't be able to go on a fishing trip with my father, which he was REALLY looking forward to..so i am really hoping things work out for him.

So me and my theorpist decided that i should go into the day program... I know its the right thing.. im just a ittle scared. I don't no what will happen when i come back. What do i say to people when the ask me where i have been? Im a little scared that things will change, with my friends. it freaks me out a little... But i guess i do need this in order for the rest of my life to be better... if i don't, im afraid that i won't live because Ive detroyed my body so much, and id probably continue to make it worse. And if i go i will have a better chance of getting better and being able to be normal. BAH...

Well its been a little hard these past few days.. My record is 4 days of being normal then it just goes all down hill from there. I'm wondering if i should go in the hospital for a couple of weeks and at least try eat normaly, in time for england. Maybe it would help me a lot. But I am worried of just up and leaving school for a couple of weeks, I'm worried about my friends and my schooling. But i kind of have to get better.

Well on another subject, my dad is really sick. And it is really worrying me. He had this coughing and just tirednes for about 6 months, and the doctors thought it was his asthma, doesn't help that he used to be a heavey smoker... But it turns out he could have a kidney problem. They still haven't really gotten dignosed yet... he couldn't even mow the lawn without getting winded, he did like 1/10 of it, then he had to ask my sister to go finish it.

Oh and i just got my nails done, so maybe it will help me from b/ping. And plus they look pretty. I've never gotten then done before but there arctlyric :)